0118Hrs, am here in bed with my woman. She’s tickling my jegekes as I write this. She’s funny and playful and beautiful, yes because she exists only on my mind! Well, I see you, those who were ready to run to my Bishop and narrate to him on how I have fallen into sin, that am in bed with a woman ‘reciting the Lord’s prayer’ and pLaying for the nation! All with the intention of inheriting my share of ‘Meza ya Bwana’ the blood and the body as I serve church discipline! See your lives, am still standing and firm. Am still in the journey to heaven together with those who are going, if they stop going I will stop too! This world is not my home but am not in any hurry to leave it, turihamwe?
Well it’s been a while since I did a long write, most of you have been asking me where the #DiariesOfABachelor went to. I didn’t know that you people read that much, however my friends Ken Kibe and Mosh Muchiri were of the opinion that I had a lot of umama especially after I started giving lectures on how the boychild should man up. They were even unkind enough to recommend me to join the women gossip club, Kilimani Mums, and become a woman representative there, can you believe these guys!? Well, I should have changed them as friends but I need them in my life. They tell me the truth always even when it hurts and they’d never sugarcoat anything to please me. They have had my back severally and have taught me on how to be street smart and live in town. The only thing they have failed me on is getting me a good girl to marry! Almost of their lady friends are in a stable relationship with the bottle and therefore their lungs are not so good, isokei.
Talking of relationships and bottles, my right hand man and brother Mussolini Dan and I decided to take some kaslay queen out on a date. Ofcourse it’s one of those tudays that you wake up with the right leg and funga a kabiashara somewhere, so you have tushilingi and decide to spoil your sheri, mamacita. Well, I had thought previously that this kagirl was my Juliet me being the Romeo, only to later on learn that it wasn’t a relationship but a business idea. So all I was doing was invest money and get zero returns! So this day I call Dan up and tell him we are taking mama out on a date, it’s like she was our girlfriend with him. Dan and I walked to the venue of the date, from town – about a kilometre and half, foolish men! We arrived and sat down to our orders. Dan is a modest man, he ordered his Guinness baridi and ofcourse the Church guy here ordered his Delmonte, we kissed our bottles as we waited for mamacita to get off work, take a shower and find us. An hour later, she calls to ask us where we are, we tell her and she says that she didn’t like that place so we go to another kaplace. Dan and I as good boyfriends, me being the foolish one, decide to change venues and decide to walk to another kahideout two kilometres further – on foot! The reason we are walking is to save on the budgeting, we couldn’t afford to ‘overspend’ on logistics and mamacita hadn’t eaten yet!
So we fika this other hang out joint, I call my heart beat and ask her whether she’s ready. She is. I tell her to shuka the stairs pole pole, minding her steps as Paschar Musyimi my cab guy is waiting for her downstairs! Eish, sometimes I think I was born a Luo but life and it’s hardships turned me into a Kikuyu! This kind of romance cannot be found elsewhere unless your software is Jang’o! My lady is driven to our place and there she finds her ‘boyfriend’ and the best man waiting. We exchange some lovie dovies there but we do not kiss. At this time I can feel Dan saying in his heart, “niggah here you’re lost, woman came in a taxi and we walked from town!” But to hell, boy is in love here like crazy! She says hi to Dan, lies to him how she had missed him blah! blah! blah! Good thing with Dan, he knows how to play and play well…he fits in! The menu comes and we order nyama there and ugali, Dan does his cold Guinness and I order my children beverage – Chai! Now my woman gives Dan a shock of his life, yes it’s the first time the three of us are hanging out together. She goes ahead to order a double shot of Jamesons and a Krest! Dan laughs at me badly and shouts, “brother!” Yes I am surprised too! How could they play me like that? Now there were two men (My slay queen and Dan) in the table and a child – me! I mean, how could I take tea like a baby? Anyway we threw that under the table and went on to have a good time. After a short while the nyama came and we ate! Everybody was satisfied and happy.
Now the hours are going fast but we do not even care as much. My chai has ishad and Dan has finished his bottle but our woman is still downing the whiskey glasses. She had asked for a second double and a third. At this time she had started talking kizungu mingi and was heading to the catwalks just like Anne Waiguru with hers that caused William Samoei Ruto to be restless. She throws us some laughter that makes me feel that Professor Hamo could only become my student at jokes! Man I felt very funny! Now, I do not understand how alcohol makes people fall in love that fast and hard. Suddenly she was saying things like, “Cyrus I love you and Dan!” How? I was her boyfriend and Dan was our friend, to love him too was equal to cheating! She told me things like, “Cyrus you are so saved, please love me like God!” Weh! She asked me to dance with her but she couldn’t make it to two rights and one left! She fell on the floor and lifted her legs high from the ground shouting, “That was my favorite song!” All this time Dan is laughing his kidneys off! I feel very embarassed and pick her up from the ground to the seat. She orders for her last round, swears it was her last just like she had done with the previous two orders!
She finally agreed to stop on the gulping and I requested for the bill! Goodness Lord! The bill had gone past my budget and there was no way we could have been written in the book of deni. This is where my nose started running, my ears sweating and heart beating like these drums of jeshi la wokovu! I do not know what to do, I take a courage walk to the loo, not that I was pressed, infact if I attempted a ‘download’ at the time, I would only have managed a storm of a fart! Uhm ofcourse I haven’t given any indication that am in a distress all this time. At the washroom, I text my guy Dan and tell him of our situation! The man is broke too and only had his fare home! Well, that is how we discovered Tala, Branch and Mkopo Rahisi….though we’ve never paid those loans and we are happily on CRB. They call us severally but we’ve become friends now and we just say hi to the customer care attendants and that’s it on the loans. Both of our loan limits were just enough for the bill, not even for the taxi! And madam slayqueen cannot do a boda boda even if it’s for saving her life! We paid and called the cab driver to drop ‘us’ which he did on debt! Now since we didn’t want to ongeza our Deni sana, we waited for the slayqueen to enter her gate and requested the taxi guy to allow us to walk the rest of the distance – foolish men! But boy was in love! Dan and I walked another five kilometres from town home, in the dark!
Well, my people, that explains why am still single. That relationship could not work, how? A woman who drinks alcohol more than her male generation is doomed! I have since left love and relationships to the rich only, am in a serious relationship with my Avocado. Avocado doesn’t drink alcohol and wouldn’t makee live beyond my means! The only relationship I have with women now is a photorelationship, wacha nipigwe nao picha tuu!
Well, let me go to sleep and tuck my hands in between my thighs and make love to my sleep!
Wendo nî gûte! Translation: Marriage works!